We are all sometimes too quick to judge.

Especially, in this day and age, where there are hundreds of other possible partners at the swipe of our fingers, we are too quick to decide whether or not a potential partner is worth more of our time or not.

Many of our clients jump to conclusions about a date based on assumptions about their behaviors and, when we point out other possible assumptions about the same behavior, they are often shocked.

For example, let's say a woman goes to a restaurant with a gentleman and they each have a small meal and a drink.  When the check comes, she takes out her wallet to offer to pay her share.  The guy, in the moment, may just say that it is his pleasure to buy her lunch and move on but when he goes home, he mentions to his friend that he felt like she was "too egalitarian" and that he is looking for a more traditional kind of relationship.  Little does he know that she only took out her wallet because the last guy said that when she didn't even flinch when the check came he felt like she was ungrateful and she didn't offer him the opportunity to accept the whole bill.

These things go both ways.  

Let's take another example.  A woman is on a date with a man.  It is important to her that he treat her like she believes a lady should be treated by a gentleman, so, when they get to the restaurant, she slows down to allow him to open the door for her.  When he does, she smiles at him with very grateful eyes and he gets a little boost to his ego.  Without even realizing it, she has possibly "trained him" to open the door for her in the future, because he likes the feeling he gets when she responds to his gesture the way she did.

Now, lets say that couple don't work out.  But the guy still wants that feeling of appreciation so, on his next date (with a different girl) he opens the door for her.  Instead of that grateful, appreciative smile, he gets a look of anger, disappointment or worse.  This woman feels demeaned by him opening the door for her.  She takes it to mean that he thinks she is a weak, feeble woman and it is important to her that her spouse know and appreciate her strength and independence. 

So, is it right to offer to pay or open the door or are these outdated traditions?

The answer is that you have the right to want whatever you want from a spouse and you should only date people who are willing to give you that. 

What we are cautioning you about is that sometimes, the guy who doesn't open the door really wants to, but has been trained not to.  And sometimes, the girl who offers to pay really wants to trust her husband and be taken care of in that way.  

This is one of the benefits of having a third party involved.  If you do, you can have them try to fish out the details without revealing your wants/needs.  If not, you can ask the person outright - but we suggest you don't do it in the moment.

For tips on how to broach these subjects in your dating life - or any other dating questions, feel free to schedule your free 15 minute consultation through www.BetterShidduchim.com.

There is a new book out called, "If Someone Says You Complete Me, Run!".  I don't think people actually mean this when they say it, but that is WAY too much power for anyone to have over anyone else.

One of the most popular Jewish books on relationships is called "Two Halves of a Whole".  

So, which one of these is the Torah perspective?

Both are.  

You have to be whole for yourself before you can share yourself with anyone else.  

Also, you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't make you feel "fuller" or "completer" when you are with them.

I like to say it this way:

Two halves of a whole can still be whole unto themselves.  It is like this:

Coffee is good by itself.  Milk is good by itself.  Coffee with milk is just better.  They each make each other better as they are now a completed, perfected unit.

If you need help strengthening your coffee (your self esteem in dating), skimming your milk (filtering through your list of wants for a mate) or just trying to find your person, make an appointment for your free consultation at www.BetterShidduchim.com 

The first thing to remember is that it does get easier as time goes on.  

Telling yourself you won't be able to touch until you're married is very daunting.  Try telling yourself (not your spouse) that you want to make sure there is a connection on all other levels before you fog it with physical intimacy.  

Just focus on being abstinant “for now.”  In other words, like when you are trying to push yourself to exercise, if you tell yourself you have to run 3 miles, you may never get off the couch, but if you tell yourself you need to get outside with your running shoes on, that is an easier goal - then, you tell yourself you need to run to the park and back.  Once you get to the park, you are more likely to run around it once or twice, etc.

As you may (or may not) know, once a relationship goes physical, physicality defines the relationship for a bit of time.  That's one way people end up in relationships that are purely physical for so long until they finally realize that there is nothing else - and then that the physical alone wasn't as good as they thought.  This is completely natural.  Seriously, how can a person stay focused on getting to know someone when they are across the table giving you “that look”?

Make sure there is enough to move forward without the physical.  Get to know him and let him get to know you - not your body.  

Men are different than women.  They think very linearly.  With the physical removed, he can focus on getting to know who you really are, not just "how you are"... once the physical enters the picture, if he doesn't know you yet, he won't really get to know you.  You have to see if he is willing to work for you.  Your body is a precious gift.  Make sure you only share it with people who are worthy.  

And, there are only two sides to the line.  Before the line is complete shomer negiah and on the other side is “Shucks!  I really did want to stay abstinant until marriage!”.  (To handle heated moments, see my last post re: the 48 hour rule”  It may be a wide line, but those are the only two sides of it.  I mean, let’s be serious, could you really just hold hands or hug and not go further?  

I can also tell you this:  Of all the people I have had this conversation with, quite a few have thanked me when they realized the person they almost "broke" with was NOT actually the person they were going to marry.  I have also, unfortunately, had friends/clients who did "give in" who, once the relationship was over, wished they hadn't.  I have never, in all my years of working with singles, had someone regret the decision NOT to be physical with someone until marriage.
​
Trust me: no touching is easier than a little touching.  

I hope at least something here is helpful.  I bench (bless) you that Hashem (G-d) helps you stay strong.  I want you to know the simcha of knowing for sure that a person loves you for you and wants to commit to you because of who you are - not what you can do for/to them.  That kind of physical connection is worth the wait - I promise!

If you need help with this - or any other issue in your dating life, feel free to browse our website or give us a call!

Look Ma!  No Hands!
Whether you are following the advice of Patti Stanger who says “No sex before monogamy”, Steve Harvey’s, “Keep the cookie for 90 days”, wisdom from your elders, or the Torah’s (and most religions’) “no sex before marriage,” the decision to remain (and define) abstinence in a new relationship is tricky.
I wish I could tell you there is an easy way, but there isn’t.  Here are some tips to entering into a relationship with abstinence:  My next blog will be some coping mechanisms, so to speak.   This one, is about the decision itself.            
Even for people who are religiously motivated to live abstinence until marriage, maintaining physical distance in relationships is difficult.  If you are not religiously motivated, think about your reasoning.  Are you saving yourself for marriage?  Are you nervous about getting pregnant or an STD?  Do you want to stay focused on your work, classes or other life goals?  Are you still healing from the pain of a past relationship?  Whatever your reason for choosing abstinence, it has to be YOUR REASON for CHOOSING ABSTINENCE; meaning, you have to understand that you are embarking on a sometimes uphill battle.  You will be tested.  Be strong.   Work out an “elevator speech” on the topic – a sort of short, rehearsed way to explain your basic boundaries to someone you are just meeting (if they try to cross the line).  
Once you have figured out why you are choosing not to be physical, you have to figure out what your boundaries are.  If you are coming from a strictly religious mandate, the boundaries may be clear to you already.  If not, you have to decide where you want to draw the line for yourself and make sure that your partner understands.
Be clear that you aren’t judging anyone for their past behavior, but simply clarifying your personal boundaries for physical intimacy before marriage.  Make sure your partner understands that this is a commitment you have made to yourself and, especially if they aren’t committed to this lifestyle, that you need his/her support in keeping true to it.
Here are some of our suggestions:

1. Commit to the goal together – Whether your partner is committed to abstinence for their own sake or just agree to respect your decision, you have to both agree to it.  If someone tries to pressure you even to cross the slightest boundary, you should end it.
2. There will be times you are strong and there will be times you find it hard to summon that strength.  Before it happens, discuss how you will handle these times.  Consider possible scenarios and plan how you will respond if you end up in that situation.  This is definitely a place where prior planning can be very helpful.
3. If there is chemistry between you, admit to it.  For some couples, sharing thoughts of affection eases the desire.  For others, it adds to the frustration.  Find out which one you are and which one your partner is and move forward accordingly.  But don’t misunderstand:  I am suggesting you consider sharing thoughts of affection – NOT thoughts of physical intimacy. 
4.  Set clear boundaries for your relationship.  If you are both commited, don’t assume you are committed to the same rules.  Our general feeling is that in this realm, in each relationship, the strictest definition of abstinence wins.  Meaning, if one person is not comfortable with any physical contact at all and the other person would be okay with a little smooch woochy, the second person has to agree to the first person’s boundaries.
5. We strongly recommend the 48 hour rule.  After you agree to your boundaries, commit that if there are any changes made to your agreement, You have to wait 48 hours before they take effect.
6. Produce intimacy without sex.  True intimacy is built by showing your commitment, trust, respect, emotional vulnerability, and supporting each other’s goals. Sex should be an expression of intimacy.  It is not a creator of true intimacy.

Need some help figuring out where you stand on these issues?  We're here to help.  Schedule a free consultation or email us at info@BetterShidduchim.com.

Okay, so to figure out what traits make up your perfect date, go here: http://www.bettershidduchim.com/what-we-do.html

To help you determine if an idea is a good date spot, read on:

The worst words to start a date are "So, what do you want to do?"

(Okay, I confess, perhaps there are worse ways, but I personally hate this one!)

First of all, I'm a woman.  I like a man with a plan.  I think most women do, but I dare not say that here.  I believe that a man should always have a SPECIFIC plan and a SPECIFIC backup and that the woman should always have her own backup, just in case.

So, what does that look like in real life?  

First off, I think the general plan should be communicated clearly before the date.  Meaning, I don't support the "Let's get together sometime?" as a way of asking a person on a date.  I think "Cam I take you to dinner Wednesday night?" is much nicer.  Now she knows what to wear (shoes not appropriate for a hike are okay now) and not to eat beforehand.  

Then, his specific plan can be "I was planning to take you to Manhattan for dinner.  I thought I'd let you decide between restaurants A and B.  I like them both.  What do you think?"  I strongly suggest this conversation be had either when she first gets in the car if not when you are both walking to the car (as in he knows to pick her up at her door).  It should be had while the people are looking at each other so he can see if her face falls when she says one of the places or what the plan is.  If it does, he needs to either ask her what is wrong or assume she didn't like the plan and ask for direction.  For example, he could say "or we can pick a different restaurant in the city..." if that doesn't seem to fix her smile, he can back further out "unless you rather not go into the city? or did you eat?  What would you like to do?  

I know, you just looked at the top of this blog and said to yourself - SHE JUST SAID THAT IS THE WORST WAY TO START A DATE!!!  THIS WOMAN IS NUTSO!!!

I may be, but I didn't contradict myself.  Those words are cancerous to a date when they are the first choice.  If he comes with a plan and a backup and she doesnt' like any of the choices, then she should give him some choices.

Rabbi Aryeh Pamensky tells of the time he went to speak with the Dean of his  Rabbinical College to ask if there was a philosophical problem with John Gray's book, MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS.


The Dean's response was that it was a stupid title.  Rabbi Pamensky went on to explain the meaning of the title and the purpose of the book to which the dean, Rabbi Weinberg, replied "I understand but Mars and Venus are in the same solar system."


Here's an illustration of this point: 


Picture the scene.  


Elaine and Roger have been seeing each other a couple of times a week for a while now.  One night, Elaine breaks the silence in the car like this:


Elaine says:  "Roger, Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

Quite a few minutes pass while they both sit, thinking, in silence.  Finally, Elaine breaks the silence again.

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . Oh, I feel so......"

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home.

Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

 


If this makes sense to you as is, your problems with communication are way beyond the scope of this blog.  If you are totally confused, good. 



Now, read the whole post here:

 

SHE DRIVES FOR A RELATIONSHIP. HE'S LOST IN THE TRANSMISSION

-- by DAVE BARRY


Contrary to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop along-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship.

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a veryloud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking:... so that means it was... let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way over due for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

COMMUNICATIONS GAP

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my school girl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that... It's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one tha the thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

A BEFUDDLED BEAU
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. 
(This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

IT'S ANALYSIS TIME

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and every thing he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression,and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

 

People tell me all the time that they have a hard time coming up with things to talk about on a first date.  You don't want to talk about really personal things with a total stranger, but at the same time, most people don't want to fill a few hours with empty conversation if they are trying to get to know each other.  So, here's a short list of questions to discuss on a first date.

Where are you from? Where else have you lived?  Where was your favorite?  Why? Have you ever thought of moving somewhere else?  Where would you like to live?  (This reveals background and throws some light on the person’s history.)

What is your most treasured possession and why? (What a person is sentimental about reveals a great deal about his/her personality. Is it a bike or a locket presented by a great friend?)

What is your favorite month of the year and why? (Does he like to sweat it out in summer activities or curl up like a cat in winter? Seasonal compatibility can be an important factor in sharing activities.)

Which is your favorite book/movie? (Both of you can discuss why you like a book or a movie – throws further insight into personality.)

Tell me about the last trip you took? Why did you go there?  How often do you travel?  Where would you like to go to next?  Why there?  (A conversation starter. How much does he/she travel? Like adventure?)

What kind of music do you like? Who is your favorite singer/band? (Do you share musical tastes?)

Do you like animals/ have pets? (Are you going to clash on this issue – one an animal hater, the other a pet lover?)


 
What do you do for fun? (This will throw light on whether your leisure activities match. Are you a bookworm and she an outdoorsy person?)

What are you most proud of? (This reveals the basic values of the person, for example – whether he/she values money or adventure/ intellectual pursuits.)


What’s one thing about you that would surprise me? (You might get a fun response, and be shocked by what you learn!)

What are you looking for in a relationship? (You can both instantly compare whether you match in this area.)


Have you ever been married? Do you want to get married?  (This is important, as it will reveal if both are moving in the same direction – towards or away from marriage.)

What is one thing about yourself that you think people misunderstand?  (More insight into personality and what lies beneath the surface).

When was your last relationship and how long did it last? (This will open up communication about how commitment-oriented this person is.)

What do you think is the most important value in a relationship? (Choosing the most important value sheds light on this person’s inner workings)

Is religion important to you? (24/7 living together means understanding and compatibility on certain basic issues like religious beliefs.)

Do you follow politics? Are you a Democrat or a Republican? (You can spar on your political affiliations. Or not…)

Do you believe in love at first sight? (You can decide whether he/she is a romantic person. A realist? Someone with their head in the clouds?)  Do you expect to feel “in love” before you get married?


To figure out what questions you should be asking on your dates - or how to answer questions you are asked, check out www.BetterShidduchim.com.  To get your best shidduch, you need Better Shidduchim!

I recently overheard a mother correct her son's etiquette.  "I'm at home.  Ain't this supposed to be the one place I don't have to be perfect?" the teen argued.

"Isn't, not Ain't."  She corrected, his eyes rolling.  "And here, we love you no matter what, but out there, you have to survive in a society that has already made assumptions about you.  You have to be better than who they think you are just to prove you are worthy of whatever they have to offer you."


"When I'm out there" he said, pointing out the window to the street, "I will behave according to the rules of out there.  But could you just leave me alone while I'm in here?"


I thought it was a fair argument.  Afterall, I know lots of people who teach their children that certain words or table manners or behaviors are only acceptable "in the house".  


The mother looked unmoved.  "Practice in private assures performance in public."  By the time she got to the third word, he was saying it with her.  

I couldn't help but say it again to myself.  It is so true.  If a word isn't okay in public, why do we let ourselves (much less our children) say it in the house?  If manners are important in this world, why don't we teach them as being important always? 

If you have a bad habit or need to improve your table manners, don't train yourself to be conscious of it when you are on a date, train yourself to always be conscious of it.  Then, it will become second nature and you won't have to think about it at all.  Practice in private assures performance in public.


If you need help figuring out ways to change your bad habits, or need to figure out what they are, or what else might be standing between you and your intended one, please set up a 15 minute free consultation.  We're here to help!

www.BetterShidduchim.com

(OR "Top 10 things not to talk about on a first date:")

A quick Google Search for topics to or not to discuss on a first date brings up a general list that I find quite confusing.

There are quite a few lists, but they all include the same few topics:

1. Politics - Most of the lists say that if you met at a political event or if you know you agree on the major topics in politics, it is okay to discuss, but if you think you may disagree, steer clear of political conversation if you want a relationship with this person.

2. Religion - "Because this is such a sensitive topic," these articles say, "wait and see if the relatioship has anything to build on before bringing up this hot topic."

3. What you expect in a relationship - "There is absolutely no reason to let your date know what you want past this dinner or coffee."

4. Marriage – “Even just mentioning that you would like to ‘settle down’ someday,” one article warns, "you never know how the other person might react... You talk about marriage and kids and your date looks terrified."  On the same subject, another blogger writes, "It seems obvious that telling a date you want to be married in six months and have a family as big as the Brady Bunch would send them running in the other direction, but it seems to happen on many first dates."

5. Past Relationships - I think most people agree that this is a tough topic for a first date, but I found a specific warning that caught my eye: Readers were warned not to “ask about their last relationship or how long they have been single. It is a minefield. Even just a nice compliment like ‘how is someone so (insert whatever compliment here) as you single?’ can bring up topics you'd rather not know on a first date, like that (s)he was very hurt by a breakup or is still in love with an ex-...”

6. Family - "In the olden days," one article reminisces, "family was a safe topic on a first date. People would inquire as to how many siblings someone had, how long their parents had been married, what kind of childhood the person had, etc. But now, family make up and closeness is a topic that should be avoided until you know you want to be in a relationship with someone because there is so likely some abuse, divorce, excommunication, abandonment, unwanted pregnancy, adoption, step-parenting, half siblings, mental illness, etc ... If you hear about these things early on in the relationship, it may deter you unnecessarily."

All these articles talk about the perils of "killing" a relationship by finding out that the person you are dating is on the wrong side of an issue that is non-negotiable for you. 

If you are looking for a dating partner; for someone to see movies with and go to dinner with, for someone to "hang out" with while you are living your life as you are, I agree completely that these topics should be avoided.

BUT, if you are seriously marriage minded, if dating is a way to find your life partner, not just a "romantic buddy", these topics should be clarified BEFORE you start to like them.

As one of the comments to one of these posts suggests, "these topics should be avoided like the plague for the first few dates because if you disagree on these things, and you find out on the first date, the relationship is over before you even got a chance to like each other."

I couldn't agree more... with the second part. But I say, that is the very reason you SHOULD discuss these things VERY early on in a dating relationship. 

How often have I asked a client, "if you don't know which side of the issue (s)he is on, and the issue is a deal breaker for you, why haven't you discussed it in all the time you have known each other?" You know the answer. "Because, I don’t want to lose him/her."

"But can't you see" I say, "If the issue is a deal breaker for you, and the person you are dating doesn't agree with you, there is nothing there to lose because the relationship is built on a fantasy.  You can't lose what you don't have." 

On the other hand, if you stay in a relationship, avoid discussing the deal breakers, date and like each other, become intertwined in each other's lives and eventually break up anyway because you don't agree on that important issue, there is much that has been lost way beyond the time you could have been spending with your future spouse.

As for the specific topics above, I believe people who are really marriage minded should only date others who are marriage minded.  The way to ensure that is to make your stance clear from the very beginning.  When it comes to family, past relationships, politics and religion, I put them in the same category as any other deal breakers you have.  If it is important to you in determining whether or not you will spend your life with this person, discuss it on the first few dates.  If you are indifferent and it doesn’t really matter to you (or the person you are dating) you can push it off until you know each other well enough to share potentially vulnerable – thought not critical - information.

If you are still trying to figure out what your deal breakers are, or you want to figure out how to approach a potential deal breaker with the person you are seeing, check out BetterShidduchim’s other blogs or make an appointment to speak with us through www.BetterShidduchim.com.