I am, however, terrified of hitting the ground after falling a long distance.
While a sense of humor is always a good thing, there is really some good dating advice in this little one liner.
Imagine yourself, a little wary of heights. You are motivated to face your fear. You go to a swimming pool with a high diving board. You force yourself to climb up the ladder – every step, giving yourself a pep talk.
You tell yourself your fears are irrational. You tell yourself other people jump every day. You convince yourself that the number of people that get hurt is miniscule compared to the number of people who jump.
You make it to the top rung. You step onto the diving board with a feeling of triumph. The surge of adrenaline propels you forward...
Don’t you want to make sure there is water in the pool before you jump?
Dating and relationships are everywhere you look these days. There is no shortage of apps, shows, events, books, blogs, coaches, clergy, matchmakers, magazines and websites to help you with your dating life. The problem for “love leapers” is that, without knowing what is in the pool, they psych themselves up and jump.
It is commonplace in the media for people who have spent 5 minutes together to say that they are “so excited to find the kind of person” they’ve “been looking for all [their] life” or that they are “really starting to have feelings for this person.” It could be that there is something special about this person you just met. It is more likely that you have seen a tiny little blip of their best first impression offerings and are making assumptions and jumping to conclusions for which you have no actual basis.
A beautiful woman can be a good listener who shows empathy when you discuss your life struggles, smiles pretty and laughs at your jokes even if, in reality, she is a cold hearted, self centered, manipulative shrew.
A man can smile nice, dress nice, smell nice, open the door for you, compliment you, make all kinds of eye contact, listen attentively to what you are saying – and be a narccicistic, controlling jerk.
Anyone can have (and hide, short term) anger issues, health issues (mental or otherwise), addiction issues, money issues, ex issues, issues issues... It takes time to get to know someone. You can’t check anything off your list after seeing one or two examples of a behavior. You must look for patterns of behavior.
And two minutes, doesn’t show any patterns.
Get to know the person you are dating in many different kinds of situations. Don’t limit yourself to dinner or coffee dates. Play games, go for a hike, drive somewhere further than you usually would together. You both need to see each other out of your comfort zones. Suggest something that he does well that you’d like to learn. On a different date, you teach him something. It could be a date of painting mugs and a game of miniature golf.
What you do has much less import than what you can learn about your partner while you are doing it. If things have been going well between you, introduce your partner to a friend of yours. Go on a double date with a married couple one of you are close with.
Do things in a group or with family. Don’t avoid the issues on which you disagree when you are dating. Discuss them. Make sure you both can disagree respectfully and lovingly. Make sure you feel heard and understood – not demeaned or belittled.
After a long, cold winter, it can feel great to get to the top of the ladder; to be spending time with someone attractive and fun. Don’t fool yourself into thinking the hard part is done. Even from the highest, safest, most advanced diving board in the world – if you don’t look before you leap, you might get lucky. But if you jump into an empty pool, you won’t be remembered for your bravery, but for your incompetence.
If you need help figuring out how to check for depth in your dating life, we are here to help.
Make an appointment for your free 15 minute consultation today. www.BetterShidduchim.com.