There is an old adage that Women marry men hoping to change them and men marry women hoping they will never change.   As I’m sure you’ve learned by now, neither attitude has much chance of survival. 

A quick search for “self-help books” on Amazon.com brings up 204,717 results.  Granted many may be repeats, but there are also many that aren’t on the list at all.  Just for comparison, I also searched “how to help others” which brought up 39,025 results, many of which were actually parenting books or self-help books.  Some were books for “Life Coaches” who only work with people who come to them with a willingness to change.  Still, when self help is so prominent in our society, the idea of changing is something that people are very hesitant to do – especially if the need for the change was pointed out by someone else. 

We agree that change “for someone else” is not a safe bet on a lifetime of happiness.  But, we also believe that working on yourself should lend itself to constant growth and change in your life – for the better.  So, when someone points out something about you that they think you should change, when is that change a good idea for you and when might the suggestion be a sign that this isn’t the relationship for you?

Conversations with clients often get around to the question of “changing for” someone.  We categorize three types of change:  Inconsequential changes, Self improvement and Sacrifices.  No matter the source of your realization that something can be improved, each person has to determine into which category any potential change fits.

1.       The first kind of change is what we call inconsequential changes include changes that are simple and relatively meaningless to you.  If you often say “shut up” when you aren’t angry but just want the person to take note, and the person you are dating doesn’t like it, this is an inconsequential change.  If your mate prefers that you wear or not wear your hair one way over another and you don’t really care either way, that is an inconsequential change.  If you usually read yourself to sleep in bed and your mate can’t sleep with the light on and asks you to read in the other room, that is an inconsequential change.

2.       The second kind of change is what we call self – improvement changes include things that, even if they were brought to your attention by the person you are in a relationship with or through your shidduch somehow, you want to change because you believe it will make you a better person.  This includes things like limiting gossip or cursing, drinking less (if you drink too much) or being a little more sensitive to others. 

The test is to ask yourself, “If we were to break up today, would I continue the work I’m doing in these areas?”

3.       The last category of change is sacrifice.  These are parts of ourselves that we like, but essentially kill off in order to keep the mate we have.  This could be a career path, a personality trait that we are proud of, or even our way of dressing if we feel it expresses who we are.  If something you are changing fits into this category, you would revert back to the way you were before if you broke up with this person today.   THESE ARE THE CHANGES TO BE WARY OF.  AS SOON AS THE HONEYMOON IS OVER, YOU ARE AT RISK OF FEELING ANGRY OR RESENTFUL OF YOUR MATE FOR “MAKING” YOU CHANGE IN THESE WAYS.  MAYBE WORSE, YOU COULD REVERT BACK TO YOUR OLD WAYS AFTER YOUR MATE HAS MARRIED THE CHANGED YOU.  THIS CAN CAUSE DISILLUSIONMENT OR RESENTMENT IN BOTH OF YOU AND IS A DANGEROUS CHANGE TO MAKE.

If you have questions about a change you are considering or any relationship issue (whether you are in on or not, feel free to be in touch with us at info@BetterShidduchim.com or schedule a shidduch schmooze through our website, www.BetterShidduchim.com.

It was a chilly Sunday evening in December.  I had run a very successful (read exhausting) shabbaton that weekend and had just gotten home and settled into comfy clothes and a hot tea when my phone rang.

"Hi.  This is Mrs. Katz.  I have a wonderful guy here that I have known for years.  He is just starting to date again after his divorce.  When I first met you I thought of him as a good shidduch for you and now that he has told me he is ready, I told him about you and he would like to take you for a cup of coffee.  How long do you need to get ready?"

"Tonight?" I asked.  "Well, I can try to get in touch with his references, but I'm not available to go out tonight."

'I'm all the reference you need" she argued, "what do you want to know?"  

"I appreciate that you know him well, but I always check references other than the shadchan.  That's what my Rabbi and I decided is the best way for me to go about dating.  If he wants to provide me with references which will make me more comfortable, I'm happy to check them and get back to you.  If he refuses to give me references, he is asking me to go against what my Rabbi and I are comfortable with which tells me he isn't for me."  

Clearly angry, she asked me who my Rabbi was and I told her.  "It isn't even Chanukah yet, why are you making a bedikas chametz*.  I want you to call your Rabbi and tell him that Mrs. Katz has a shidduch for you and I think it is a great idea and that the guy is such high quality he doesn't want anyone calling references because he doesn't want word to get out that he is dating.  He just isn't ready to be bombarded with suggestions yet.  He wants to start slow.  Is that so wrong?"  I agreed to call my Rabbi who, it seemed from the tone in her voice, knew who she was.

So, I called my Rabbi immediately.  When he answered, I told him my predicament.  "Mrs. Katz has a great guy she wants me to meet."

"Great" he said with excitement.  "What do his references say about him?"

He could no doubt hear the smile in my voice.  "Well, that is why I am calling you.  She won't give me references because he is such a great catch that he is nervous that if I call his references, word will get out that he is dating and he will be bombarded with ideas.  I told her that my Rabbi told me I have to check references before I meet someone."

"Sounds like you are on the right track.  What can I do for you?"

"Well, Mrs. Katz asked me who my Rabbi is and I told her you are and she told me to call you and you would be willing to bend your rule this one time because she is the person suggesting it."

He laughed.  "She didn't say that."

Now, I was the one laughing, happy that I hadn't folded when she got strong with me.  "Actually, what she said is, 'it isn't even Chanukah yet, why are you trying to make a bedikas chametz?"

I'm not sure if he was thinking or holding back his laughter at the absurdity of her suggestion.  After a short pause, he said to me, "Call Mrs. Katz back and tell her you called me with your question.  Tell her I said that Jewish Law decrees that if a person is going to leave their home before Chanukah and not return until after the time that they are obligated to do the bedikas chametz just before Passover, that the person is just as obligated to do a bedikas chametz before they leave as everyone else is the day before Passover starts.  I believe that if this guy is half as great as she says, you, my dear, will be on vacation the minute you meet him.  When he is ready to give references, you will check him out and maybe meet him."

When I called Mrs. Katz back and gave her that message from my Rabbi, she said, "Your loss.  He is a great catch and he will be married in a few months." 

She was right - he was married in a few months.  But she was wrong - he was NOT AT ALL what I was looking for nor, if his wife was, was I what he was looking for in a wife.  

That's really the end of the story.  The point is, stick to your guns.  You have a right to date the way you are comfortable dating.  If someone really wants to get to know you, they will do whatever they can to make you more comfortable in the process.  

We will have more posts on reference checking.  In the meantime, if you need help figuring out what to ask, how to ask or if you need someone to check references for you, feel free to set up an appointment on the Scheduling and Fees page or email us through the Contact Us page on our website: www.BetterShidduchim.com.


*bedikas chometz is the final, very detailed search for leavened bread after Jews have spent many hours ridding their homes of all leaven in preparation for the Passover holiday.  She was using it as a way of saying that I was searching too deep before a first date.