Especially, in this day and age, where there are hundreds of other possible partners at the swipe of our fingers, we are too quick to decide whether or not a potential partner is worth more of our time or not.
Many of our clients jump to conclusions about a date based on assumptions about their behaviors and, when we point out other possible assumptions about the same behavior, they are often shocked.
For example, let's say a woman goes to a restaurant with a gentleman and they each have a small meal and a drink. When the check comes, she takes out her wallet to offer to pay her share. The guy, in the moment, may just say that it is his pleasure to buy her lunch and move on but when he goes home, he mentions to his friend that he felt like she was "too egalitarian" and that he is looking for a more traditional kind of relationship. Little does he know that she only took out her wallet because the last guy said that when she didn't even flinch when the check came he felt like she was ungrateful and she didn't offer him the opportunity to accept the whole bill.
These things go both ways.
Let's take another example. A woman is on a date with a man. It is important to her that he treat her like she believes a lady should be treated by a gentleman, so, when they get to the restaurant, she slows down to allow him to open the door for her. When he does, she smiles at him with very grateful eyes and he gets a little boost to his ego. Without even realizing it, she has possibly "trained him" to open the door for her in the future, because he likes the feeling he gets when she responds to his gesture the way she did.
Now, lets say that couple don't work out. But the guy still wants that feeling of appreciation so, on his next date (with a different girl) he opens the door for her. Instead of that grateful, appreciative smile, he gets a look of anger, disappointment or worse. This woman feels demeaned by him opening the door for her. She takes it to mean that he thinks she is a weak, feeble woman and it is important to her that her spouse know and appreciate her strength and independence.
So, is it right to offer to pay or open the door or are these outdated traditions?
The answer is that you have the right to want whatever you want from a spouse and you should only date people who are willing to give you that.
What we are cautioning you about is that sometimes, the guy who doesn't open the door really wants to, but has been trained not to. And sometimes, the girl who offers to pay really wants to trust her husband and be taken care of in that way.
This is one of the benefits of having a third party involved. If you do, you can have them try to fish out the details without revealing your wants/needs. If not, you can ask the person outright - but we suggest you don't do it in the moment.
For tips on how to broach these subjects in your dating life - or any other dating questions, feel free to schedule your free 15 minute consultation through www.BetterShidduchim.com.