There are many things that people like or don't like that make no sense to other people.  Part of being in a relationship is learning to do things for the other person the way they want them done, not the way we think they should want it.

I knew someone years ago that liked her coffee in a tall glass rather than a coffee mug.  I don't know why, she just liked it that way.  Her husband, when they were first married, in an effort to do something nice for his wife, would wake up early, brew a pot of coffee, and bring her a mug in the mornings when he would wake her for work.

The first morning, she said to him, "Thank you.  That was so sweet of you."

That night, before she went to bed, she took her tall glass out of the cabinet and put it on the counter next to the coffee maker with a note that said, "this is the cup I like to use for my morning coffee."  and she signed her name in a heart.

For weeks, she later told me, he tried to convince her that she should be drinking coffee in a mug like everyone else and that she should be grateful that he even brought her coffee in the morning.  And every morning, he would bring her a mug, she would take it into the kitchen and pour the coffee into her glass and then drink it.

She didn't complain anymore, but she also wasn't so grateful that he brought it to her in a mug.  Every morning he brought her a mug of coffee, she "heard" him loud and clear:  "My way is right.  You are wrong."  But what is right or wrong about a vessel for coffee.

One morning, he took his last clean shirt from the closet.  He was running late for work and didn't have time to stop at the cleaners to drop off his shirts, so he asked his wife if she would mind.  "Clean shirts.  No problem."  Trying to save money and do something loving for her husband, she washed his shirts, starched and ironed them all, sprayed them with a fabric freshener so they didn't smell like the nasty starch and hung them in his closet.

The next morning, when he was getting dressed, he put on a shirt and said to his wife, "Did you go to the cleaners I always go to or another one?  My shirts smell funny."

"I washed them and starched them myself", she said proudly, "and I sprayed them with fabric freshener so they don't have that nasty starch smell."

"I love that smell.  It is the smell of a crisp new shirt."

"Are you nuts?" she asked him.  "No one likes that smell."

"Well, I guess I'm a big nobody then.  Please don't spray this stuff on my shirts anymore.  And they get cleaned at the cleaners."

She started crying, "But I was trying to do something nice for you.  And you don't even appreciate it."

All of a sudden, he realized that what she was saying to him was the same thing he had been saying to her about the mug.  In an instant, he realized him liking the smell of starch in his shirt is no different than her liking her coffee in a glass.  

He got up and went into the kitchen, brought her a glass of coffee and said, "Shirts go to the cleaners.  Coffee goes in a glass.  Deal?"

"Deal."

Now, almost 30 years later, she still gets her coffee in a glass every morning.  And she still takes his shirts to the cleaners.  Because it doesn't matter whether or not you understand, if you love someone, you do things for them the way they want them done - even if it means bringing them coffee in a glass.


If you need more help figuring out how to best meet the needs of the person in your life - or any other aspect of relationships, feel free to check us out at www.BetterShidduchim.com.

Thinking she had made a good decision, she met with her Rabbi.  

"What is it that leads you to want to marry him?" the Rabbi asked.

"Well, I found what I was looking for - a man with the potential to be a good husband and father."

"Do you love him?"  the Rabbi asked.  

"Love him?  of course not!  I barely know him!  For years, I've been taught that I should be looking for potentail.  And I've found it.  And now you are asking about love?"

Shocked at what he was hearing, the Rabbi said, "I don't even want to know who told you to ignore love and search only for potential.  Maybe they were talking about lust, which is often confused for puppy love."

"I was just taught that the Torah way is to find someone who has the potential to be a good husband and father."

"Maybe the issue here is just in samantics.  I would say that you don't need to be madly and passionately in love with the person, but there has to be a seed.  There has to be more than potential though.

Look at it this way: water and dirt have the potential to bring about beautiful flowers or vegetation - but without a seed, all you have is mud."



Having difficulty deciding what you should and shouldn't be looking for in a mate?  Schedule a free 15 minute consultation with us at www.BetterShidduchim.com.

They grab what is in plain sight, but they don't value it, they just use it.  They value what they work for.  Maintain a little mystery - in dress, life story, etc...

Don't MAKE him chase you, But give him the chance to ... and see if he does...
If he wants you, he will.  If he just lets you land in his lap, you will always wonder if he really wants you or just took the easy way out of lonliness and made the easy decision to grab whatever (or whoever) is within reach.

The Treasure doesn't do the searching.  It just sits pretty and waits to be discovered.

There is an old adage that Women marry men hoping to change them and men marry women hoping they will never change.   As I’m sure you’ve learned by now, neither attitude has much chance of survival. 

A quick search for “self-help books” on Amazon.com brings up 204,717 results.  Granted many may be repeats, but there are also many that aren’t on the list at all.  Just for comparison, I also searched “how to help others” which brought up 39,025 results, many of which were actually parenting books or self-help books.  Some were books for “Life Coaches” who only work with people who come to them with a willingness to change.  Still, when self help is so prominent in our society, the idea of changing is something that people are very hesitant to do – especially if the need for the change was pointed out by someone else. 

We agree that change “for someone else” is not a safe bet on a lifetime of happiness.  But, we also believe that working on yourself should lend itself to constant growth and change in your life – for the better.  So, when someone points out something about you that they think you should change, when is that change a good idea for you and when might the suggestion be a sign that this isn’t the relationship for you?

Conversations with clients often get around to the question of “changing for” someone.  We categorize three types of change:  Inconsequential changes, Self improvement and Sacrifices.  No matter the source of your realization that something can be improved, each person has to determine into which category any potential change fits.

1.       The first kind of change is what we call inconsequential changes include changes that are simple and relatively meaningless to you.  If you often say “shut up” when you aren’t angry but just want the person to take note, and the person you are dating doesn’t like it, this is an inconsequential change.  If your mate prefers that you wear or not wear your hair one way over another and you don’t really care either way, that is an inconsequential change.  If you usually read yourself to sleep in bed and your mate can’t sleep with the light on and asks you to read in the other room, that is an inconsequential change.

2.       The second kind of change is what we call self – improvement changes include things that, even if they were brought to your attention by the person you are in a relationship with or through your shidduch somehow, you want to change because you believe it will make you a better person.  This includes things like limiting gossip or cursing, drinking less (if you drink too much) or being a little more sensitive to others. 

The test is to ask yourself, “If we were to break up today, would I continue the work I’m doing in these areas?”

3.       The last category of change is sacrifice.  These are parts of ourselves that we like, but essentially kill off in order to keep the mate we have.  This could be a career path, a personality trait that we are proud of, or even our way of dressing if we feel it expresses who we are.  If something you are changing fits into this category, you would revert back to the way you were before if you broke up with this person today.   THESE ARE THE CHANGES TO BE WARY OF.  AS SOON AS THE HONEYMOON IS OVER, YOU ARE AT RISK OF FEELING ANGRY OR RESENTFUL OF YOUR MATE FOR “MAKING” YOU CHANGE IN THESE WAYS.  MAYBE WORSE, YOU COULD REVERT BACK TO YOUR OLD WAYS AFTER YOUR MATE HAS MARRIED THE CHANGED YOU.  THIS CAN CAUSE DISILLUSIONMENT OR RESENTMENT IN BOTH OF YOU AND IS A DANGEROUS CHANGE TO MAKE.

If you have questions about a change you are considering or any relationship issue (whether you are in on or not, feel free to be in touch with us at info@BetterShidduchim.com or schedule a shidduch schmooze through our website, www.BetterShidduchim.com.

It was a chilly Sunday evening in December.  I had run a very successful (read exhausting) shabbaton that weekend and had just gotten home and settled into comfy clothes and a hot tea when my phone rang.

"Hi.  This is Mrs. Katz.  I have a wonderful guy here that I have known for years.  He is just starting to date again after his divorce.  When I first met you I thought of him as a good shidduch for you and now that he has told me he is ready, I told him about you and he would like to take you for a cup of coffee.  How long do you need to get ready?"

"Tonight?" I asked.  "Well, I can try to get in touch with his references, but I'm not available to go out tonight."

'I'm all the reference you need" she argued, "what do you want to know?"  

"I appreciate that you know him well, but I always check references other than the shadchan.  That's what my Rabbi and I decided is the best way for me to go about dating.  If he wants to provide me with references which will make me more comfortable, I'm happy to check them and get back to you.  If he refuses to give me references, he is asking me to go against what my Rabbi and I are comfortable with which tells me he isn't for me."  

Clearly angry, she asked me who my Rabbi was and I told her.  "It isn't even Chanukah yet, why are you making a bedikas chametz*.  I want you to call your Rabbi and tell him that Mrs. Katz has a shidduch for you and I think it is a great idea and that the guy is such high quality he doesn't want anyone calling references because he doesn't want word to get out that he is dating.  He just isn't ready to be bombarded with suggestions yet.  He wants to start slow.  Is that so wrong?"  I agreed to call my Rabbi who, it seemed from the tone in her voice, knew who she was.

So, I called my Rabbi immediately.  When he answered, I told him my predicament.  "Mrs. Katz has a great guy she wants me to meet."

"Great" he said with excitement.  "What do his references say about him?"

He could no doubt hear the smile in my voice.  "Well, that is why I am calling you.  She won't give me references because he is such a great catch that he is nervous that if I call his references, word will get out that he is dating and he will be bombarded with ideas.  I told her that my Rabbi told me I have to check references before I meet someone."

"Sounds like you are on the right track.  What can I do for you?"

"Well, Mrs. Katz asked me who my Rabbi is and I told her you are and she told me to call you and you would be willing to bend your rule this one time because she is the person suggesting it."

He laughed.  "She didn't say that."

Now, I was the one laughing, happy that I hadn't folded when she got strong with me.  "Actually, what she said is, 'it isn't even Chanukah yet, why are you trying to make a bedikas chametz?"

I'm not sure if he was thinking or holding back his laughter at the absurdity of her suggestion.  After a short pause, he said to me, "Call Mrs. Katz back and tell her you called me with your question.  Tell her I said that Jewish Law decrees that if a person is going to leave their home before Chanukah and not return until after the time that they are obligated to do the bedikas chametz just before Passover, that the person is just as obligated to do a bedikas chametz before they leave as everyone else is the day before Passover starts.  I believe that if this guy is half as great as she says, you, my dear, will be on vacation the minute you meet him.  When he is ready to give references, you will check him out and maybe meet him."

When I called Mrs. Katz back and gave her that message from my Rabbi, she said, "Your loss.  He is a great catch and he will be married in a few months." 

She was right - he was married in a few months.  But she was wrong - he was NOT AT ALL what I was looking for nor, if his wife was, was I what he was looking for in a wife.  

That's really the end of the story.  The point is, stick to your guns.  You have a right to date the way you are comfortable dating.  If someone really wants to get to know you, they will do whatever they can to make you more comfortable in the process.  

We will have more posts on reference checking.  In the meantime, if you need help figuring out what to ask, how to ask or if you need someone to check references for you, feel free to set up an appointment on the Scheduling and Fees page or email us through the Contact Us page on our website: www.BetterShidduchim.com.


*bedikas chometz is the final, very detailed search for leavened bread after Jews have spent many hours ridding their homes of all leaven in preparation for the Passover holiday.  She was using it as a way of saying that I was searching too deep before a first date.    

And there always will be. 

If someone has been trying to make the time to make a specific change (work more, exercise more, learn more, etc...) for more than a few weeks and hasn't actually started doing something (besides thinking or planning) toward that end, they aren't going to start doing it when they get married.

The day doesn't get longer when you share it with someone and start a family.

If you have some questions or want to clarify any other aspects of dating, check out our website or schedule a free 15 minute consultation with us through our website at www.BetterShidduchim.com.

The shadchan works for you.  The purpose of a shadchan in a shidduch is to be involved in the shidduch as much as the individuals want them to be.  For some people, once the suggestion is made and accepted, the shadchan is out.  For others, the shadchan is involved all the way through the dating experience.  It is totally up to the singles how much they want the shadchan to be involved. If the shadchan is calling the shots (or refusing to set the guidelines as you want them set) you can do the shadchan shuffle.  

Check with your own Rabbi, but as I understand it, the role of the shadchan is broken into three parts.  

(1) Make the suggestion. 

(2) Handle the dating situations as the come up. 

(3) Smoothing out any last minute bumps in the road that gets the couple to engagement. 

 If a shadchan pushes you to meet or speak without checking references, when you are clear that you prefer to do so, or if a shadchan tells you to lighten up when you are trying to be clear about the boundaries that make you comfortable, or in any other way doesn’t seem to be allowing you to make your decisions about how you like to date, put someone else in the middle.  I encourage everyone to network with many different shadchanim and shidduch groups.  When you work with a shadchan that you feel “gets you” and that you are comfortable working with, ask them, “in the future, if someone else makes a suggestion but isn’t a shadchan or I am not comfortable using them as the go-between, would you be willing to step in for me?”.  That is what I call the “Shadchan Shuffle.”  

                You have to be careful not to upset the person who made the original suggestion and not to seem to the other party in the shidduch to be a micro-manager.  

I recommend just saying that there is a person who you work with often and because that person knows you better than the person making the suggestion, you prefer if that person handles the shidduch from here.

Another option is to take the suggested name and say that you will get back in touch if there is anything to discuss.  You can then have your preferred shadchan get involved and be in touch with the original person if the shidduch ends or if you get engaged.

Reference checking 

There is quite a bit of debate on when (or if) you should check references.  While I agree that there is no substitute for getting to know someone face to face, I also believe that you shouldn’t waste time (yours, the other dater’s or the shadchan’s) by dating people who are not in the ballpark of what you are looking for.  I think to get a basic understanding of the person’s personality, hashkafa, likes, marital background and mental health is a good idea before accepting a date.

It has been said in jest, “The only thing you should trust from a shadchan is that this one is a boy and this one is a girl, but it doesn’t hurt to check that for sure, too.”  Let’s face it.  A shadchan doesn’t know anymore about a person from a shidduch profile than a headhunter knows about someone from their employment resume.  If you had a position open in your company and got hundreds of resumes, you’d probably check out some references to get some basic information before brining anyone in for an interview.  It is time consuming, but less so than interviewing all the applicants in person.  As a dater, you need to do the same thing.

In the back of this book, there are some suggested questions to ask when you are checking a reference.  The most important thing you want to find out is how the person will measure up on your list of “givens” and your finalized top ten list.  I also find it helpful to ask people that know the person very well questions like, “what is (s)he looking for? And then, “what do you think (s)he needs?” and see how much they overlap.  It is a good way to find out how realistic the person’s friends think they are in dating.

Some people like to meet first and then check references once they know a little more about the person and have more questions. I have found that most of the time, if a person speaks with a reference before you meet the person, the reference is open to more questions if they arise after you meet.  Whichever way you (or the other person) decide to proceed should have no bearing on the other person.  Meaning, if you ask for references and the shadchan says something like “Well, he didn’t check references so you don’t need to” or “he said he’ll give you references after you meet” you shouldn’t be bullied.  The other person has every right to handle their shidduch any way they want to.  This is yours.  You need to do what makes you comfortable.  

After you have written your profile and contacted people who are involved in making shidduchim, you will hopefully hear from them soon.

General practice is that the suggestion goes to the man’s side first.  The easiest explanation for this is that if the man isn’t interested, the woman never has to know anyone was suggested and declined.  That way, her feelings are spared.  This isn’t to say that women are too weak to handle rejection.  It is just a fact that hashem created women as more emotionally charged than men.  Therefore, the nature of man, in general, is to deal with rejection and disappointment easier than women.

It is not halacha or in any way imperative that the man hear of the shidduch first. In some cases, when there is an extenuating circumstance, the shadchan may chose to speak with the woman first.  Still, my recommendation is that the shadchan should ask the woman questions to get the pertinent information without mentioning the specific shidduch.  In other words, if a shadchan isn’t sure that a woman is okay dating a convert, the shadchan doesn’t have to actually make the suggestion, she can just ask the girl if she would be open to a convert.  In either case, the same protocol is followed.

Among young FFBs, the suggestion will often go through the parents.  Among BTs or older/secondtimers, the suggestions are usually made directly or through a dating coach, friend or Rabbi/Rebetzin.  It is always safe to call the single directly to ask them if they want to hear the suggestion or have it go through someone else.  If you are the one making the suggestion, it is nicer to make the suggestion to the guy first.  This is not a matter of halahca, it is a matter of protecting the woman’s feelings.  If the guy says no, there is no reason for the girl to know anything about it.

I always suggest to women I work with that if someone calls them with a suggestion, they should ask if the guy has already said yes.  If he hasn’t, I recommend that the woman kindly say that she prefers not to hear any details until the gentleman has already agreed to the shidduch.  This is so acceptable, that some dating sites even have an option in their preferences that the woman gets to chose if she gets a suggestion first, at the same time or only after the guy has said yes.

When the shadchan calls the man, it is up to him to tell her if he is “busy” with someone else.  If he is not busy, the shadchan tells him about the girl.  At this point, the man is welcome to ask whatever questions he has about the girl and the shadchan gives him the girl’s name and the names and contact information of his references.  This is the proper time for him to do whatever data gathering he chooses.  Once he accepts the shidduch, the shadchan then presents it to the girl.  At this point, the girl can do whatever research she wants to do.